Porn & ‘I Want That One’

One of the things that most humans are good at is looking at something we don’t have and wanting it for ourselves.  We want to own what other people own.  We want to have the skills and abilities of others.  And boy, do we want to look like other people.  Like Andy in Little Britain, we look at others and say in our hearts, ‘I want that one’.

We compare ourselves to others and rate ourselves in the light of others.  And while some men have the innate ability to look at themselves in the mirror and be mightily impressed with whatever they see (I mean, shower + deodorant = looking good), for many women, the world of comparison is crippling.  On the one hand, it’s normal and we all do it.  But as my Mum once said, just because everybody is throwing deer poo at each other, doesn’t mean it is good for us or even a good idea in general.  Wise lady, my Mum. 

One of the effects of porn upon young women in our society is seen in the rise of requests for cosmetic surgery of the inner labia, which is part of the female genitals.  An article in the Huffington Post recently noted that 35% of GP’s surveyed (443 were surveyed) had had requests from young women for this kind of surgery.

Another recent article also noted that between 2000 & 2011 Medicare claims for vulvoplasty and labiaplasty nearly tripled.  To be fair, some of these procedures were medically necessary, but many of them were simply cosmetic.

These doctors noted the increased practice of women getting a Brazilian wax has played a part in this, along with pornography.  Young girls see images of naked women and compare themselves.  They then begin to believe that their own genitals aren’t normal, not realising that there is variation in how people look.

Combined with this is the reality that young men also have the belief that a woman’s genitals should look like the women in pornography, and they expect all women to look the same.  

So now we’ve just added another thing that young women are worrying about when it comes to their appearance...as if there weren’t enough reasons already.  In fact, one of the articles mentioned a young woman whose boyfriend refused to have sex with her until she got surgery.  

So what do we do?  I write a lot about the educative power of pornography.  And I think that it is this aspect of pornography that needs to be powerfully countered.  

Young women need to be educated about their bodies in ways that are healthy and honest.  Maybe it’s older women talking to younger women.  Maybe mums need to have more awkward chats with their daughters.  Maybe sexual education needs to include single-sex classes that show young women that ‘normal’ doesn’t mean ‘porn actor’ and in fact, has a broad range.  Maybe we need to get graphic in a clinical kind of way.  

Maybe young men need something similar to help them understand how pornography isn’t a real depiction of real women.

For any women reading this, please know that any man who expects your genitals to look like what he sees in pornography is not worth your time.  He will likely remain a very lonely man-boy.

At the end of the day, we all want intimacy.  And intimacy is not so much about the specific look of genitals.  It’s about two people seeking the good of each other.  It’s about being vulnerable with another human and finding acceptance.  It’s born out of sacrificial love.  These things are at the heart of healthy and rich intimacy, not designer genitals (it seems so ridiculous even typing these words, but alas, this is the world we live in).

My hope is that young people look at the healthy romantic relationships around them and think ‘I want that one’ rather than airbrushed images of people and think that that is the surefire path to happiness and intimacy.